Hello Friends,
This is a long overdue letter to all of you, all of whom I consider to be very close friends, mentors and prayer buddies. I have tried to stay in touch with you all, and many of you are pretty up-to-date with my life, but I know that I haven't personally spoken to everyone.
This has been an amazing year with incredible hurt, pain, anguish and horror and yet, it is ending with indescribable triumph and joy. It is a year that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I am thankful for being able to literally watch the Hand of God in action. Many of you have heard that the Lord has brought a wonderful woman into my life and we are planning our wedding for July 14th. Since I haven't spoken to all of you directly, I thought it appropriate to tell the story so that God may be glorified in this incredible journey from tragedy to triumph. As Charlie Tremendous told Dana and me last week, it is an amazing story of what God has done and is doing, but it still pales in significance to what HE has already done for us all! Still, since all of you held me, cried with me, brought gifts, meals, hugs, prayers, and love to CJ, Bennett and I in the midst of this horrible situation, I felt it would be good to let you read the whole story.
As most of you know, I had a very hard 20-25 days from mid-November through mid-December. The tombstone came in, it was Michelle's birthday, I unpacked Christmas stuff with all the various memories within, I had Mr. Pruitt and Michelle's brother Ned and his family over for Thanksgiving and it was Bennett's birthday. To make a very long story short, I had many days, hours, and nights of seemingly endless crying. I just couldn't get off the mat during that time period. It was at Bennett's birthday party, with about 20 or so little 6 year olds running around that I decided I was sick of crying and being so sad. I had had several of you make comments to the affect that "hey, you're Mr. Positive, this isn't you, it's going to be okay" etc, but it was just one thing after another and it was my hardest time. There were many times in that several weeks' period that I held my boys as they cried, asked for Mommy and asked me really hard questions. I also watched them as they skipped off to play and showed me the example of just deciding to move forward. I made some decisions in that time too. Not only was I sick of crying, but I kept a journal, basically telling the story for the boys to read one day and probably giving myself some needed therapy of release. I also read 9 books, mostly about suicide and death and depression, just looking for answers that I finally decided no one but God would have. The books did help though, and there were some in particular that I wanted to mention here. I read Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, which all believers should read. He gets you to look at the eternal instead of the worldly, and gives a perspective that we don't look at enough. It was an encouraging book that I really appreciated a lot. I also read a book by R.T. Kendall that my buddy, Preacher John Griffith from Saluda brought me one day. It's a book about Joseph called, "God meant it for good." It's taken from Genesis 50:20 when Joseph reveals himself to his brothers and explains that what they meant for harm, God would use for good. This made a huge impact for me, since the Lord had put on my heart very early on that Michelle's death wasn't HIS plan, but that HE had a plan for satan's disruption. I clung to this and read Romans 8:28 over and over, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." I had talked to the boys a lot about that scripture, trying to make sure that they understood that this wasn't God's doing, but that HE would work something awesome out of it, even though we may not see the whole picture that God could see.
In addition to all the reading and searching, many of you visited with me and spoke "words in due season" into my heart and life and I clung to all of that too. One lady said to me after I spoke to the Alabama Christian school convention, "God will make this right." I wasn't sure what that meant at that time, but I sure held onto those words! I can never thank all of you enough for the myriad ways in which the Lord worked through you to love on me and the boys, when my head was in a blender the Lord kept showing me HIS Love through all of you.
During that time, good friends of on mine on Palmetto Family Council's board with me, JD and Nancy Martin, started planting seeds of meeting someone special. I guess it was late November or early December when I told them that I just wasn't ready. After Bennett's birthday though on December 12th, I made some decisions that I was going to move on, that God ordained that, that Michelle believed I would, and that my boys deserved me to do so. Christmas was actually more tolerable than Thanksgiving, I guess because I had had so many tough days leading up to it. On December 26th, I sat down and wrote out some new goals. I re-read one of the attitude books I have spoken and taught from and recalled a great principle, "you don't lose old memories, you stack new ones on top of the old ones and they fade." I realized I HAD to get a new dream, a new goal, something to get excited about. I felt that it would be in speaking or doing the political work that I love so much, and those things have helped immensely, but I found out pretty quickly in late January that it would come in a different fashion than I expected. I also wrote myself a letter, dedicated to looking at the blessings instead of the negatives, and I committed to reading it over and over until it sunk in and I focused on the things that the boys and I had going for us instead of dwelling on what we had lost. That letter made a massive difference, but another book gave me a prayer list to say too. I read "Trusting God's heart" by Dr. Frank Cox, a Baptist pastor from the Atlanta area whose wife had passed from a brain tumor in the early 1980's. He literally prayed, much like I had, "Oh God, I didn't ask for this, I loved being married, I loved my wife, how do I accomplish what I am confident you called me to do without a helpmate??" He had a 4 year old son when his wife died, and his prayer was, "Lord please send me a wife who won't be threatened by my wife's memory, but will help honor that memory to my kid." In 3 months after his wife's homegoing, a girl sat on the front pew at his church and he felt that the Lord was telling him that she was going to be his wife. Sure enough, in 8 months after his wife's passing, he was remarried. Well, that gave me some hope, but more importantly, it gave me a prayer. Just like the Lord had put the three things to remember with the boys that I had them recite: 1) trust God, 2) know that Mommy loves us and is always with us, 3) stick together, HE gave me three prayers that became my constant prayer of encouragement. I wrote these 3 out the week after Christmas; 1) Lord, you'll have to astound me with a mate, I don't want to play the dating game, 2) send me a woman who will not be threatened by my wife's memory, but will help honor that memory to my boys, and 3) Lord I don't want a guy in the picture that I have to worry about shared loyalties with a new wife or children. I didn't realize that I was praying for someone whose husband was dead or dying. I took my wedding band off on New Year's Eve, yes, that was hard, it had never been off my finger in those 18 years. I had a little ceremony with the boys just as the ball dropped in Times Square. I told them what marriage meant to me, what Michelle meant to me, how much I loved her and was committed to her, and I shared with them my belief that God was going to restore us and send us someone that fulfilled those 3 prayers. In the middle of many tears by us all, we had a prayer and began believing what all of you said that you were praying for; we began this road out of despair and into belief and faith. No, I never lost my faith, I never blamed God, but I DID ask lots of questions, and all of your encouragement and love as well as the books that I read and the Word all helped me. I knew that satan wanted to destroy my family and I determined that I was going to grieve and grieve hard, but that I was going to come back from this and was going to get excited to see what the Lord would do in fulfilling Romans 8:28 in our lives.
It was the first weekend of January at the Palmetto Family council board retreat that I finally told JD and Nancy that yes; I was ready to meet someone. I asked her name and they told me Dana. She goes to Taylors First Baptist with them they said and had two little girls. I then asked how she got single, the reply was, "the same way you did." I have to admit, it was a hiccup and a half, I even told them that I was skeptical that two suicide survivors could make it, but we proceeded. We double-dated the following Friday night and had a great time, then Dana and I went to lunch then dinner and a movie the following week. In between opportunities to see one another, we talked for hours about the deepest subjects that you could imagine. I guess I knew that dating at 43 would be a little different from dating in my 20's, but I'm not sure I was expecting it like it was! We hit it off, connected on lots of levels, and ultimately, figured out that the potential hangup of similar circumstances wouldn't be a negative, but a positive. I'm not sure that anyone else could really understand the depth of hurt and betrayal that a suicide survivor feels, it's very hard to describe, you know that they didn't do this "to" you and your kids, but at the end of the day, they did leave it ALL with you. I have told many people that I'm the most frustrated mom in America, with clothes, dishes, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. While I do have lots of help, it's still up to me to get it all done and it's tough when NONE of these things had ever been on my list before!
After about a month of seeing one another and talking a lot, we went to Cashiers, NC and hiked up Whiteside Mountain together with the four kids. My devotions the day or so before were from Revelation 3:7, "you shut the door no man can open and open the door no many can shut." I told the Lord, "Lord this looks good, I think Dana is my list, her little girls are adorable and need a daddy and already are taking to me, and my boys sure love her, but if this isn't right, please shut this door right now. Dana and I may have fragile hearts, but please don't break these four little hearts, they have been through so much already! If its right, make it clear because I'm a hardhead, but if it's not, shut this door now so that these little ones' hearts are not hurt more." As we hiked that mountain, then went to eat lunch, three different people said, almost verbatim, "you guys sure have a beautiful family!" The first time someone said it, I didn't think much about it, the second time, Dana and I made eye contact, but the third time, I was nearly in tears.
I could relate many stories similar to that and all the ways that we have seen very specific prayers answered, but I'll save you most of that. The two last stories that probably best describe the big picture include when one friend told me that "you sound like the old Chad, what's her name??" and when Bennett, who was very close to Michelle and has hurt the most probably, crawled into Dana's arms at the ballpark when he got his feelings hurt. That one act spoke volumes and I think was God's way of showing me that my boys would accept her just fine.
It has truly been amazing, and as I've told several people, I feel a little like the Israelites must have as they walked through on dry ground, I see the ground, I see the water walled up, but it's still surreal. I just praise God daily for what HE has done and is doing and am excited to be running toward a new dream instead of away from a nightmare.
There are certainly many other stories from these past five months that I could tell, but I mainly wanted to catch all of you up to date and invite you to a special party. We are planning a very small wedding in Taylors for July 14th in her church's chapel, so I can't invite all of you, but we would love for you all to come to our house in Prosperity on August 4th for a cookout and a "get to know Dana and Leigha and Summer" Day. By the way, Leigha will be 8 on July 1st and Summer just turned 5 in March. We think it is another evidence of God's providence that they kids' ages are so close. Anyway, we'll let it cool off some and start around 4 pm and cook out around 6, so come when you can and stay for as long as you want. I believe that you will love her and will quickly see how I not only had a girl turn my head, but make me fall in love. I feel so blessed to have had two awesome women love me, and I will forever give God the glory, honor and credit.
We don't pretend to know the future and what the Lord is doing; we are just enjoying the turnaround and the blessings. I do know that the "old Chad'" is back, and he's a new and improved version that has a new outlook and a new appreciation for God's providence. I do plan to get the new foundation ministry off the ground in the near future and I do anticipate speaking on what God has done here, and I'm sure you'll see the boys and the girls out there speaking with me too!!
God love you all, thank you for all that you've done, thank you for allowing the Lord to work in and through each of you to impact me and the boys so powerfully. We hope to see you on August 4th!! I truly can't wait for you to come and meet this fantastic girl and her girls and see what they Lord has done in our lives!!
IN HIS GRIP,
Chad